I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just invented taco cereal.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Is that why you're texting me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer