I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this will be a night to untag.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My liver just broke up with me...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight