my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
