I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
sarcasm needs its own font
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
another moral hangover. fuck.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
this will be a night to untag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
false alarm. still invincible.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day