he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
what day is it and did you see me today?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
What should our trivia night team be named?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is that why you're texting me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.