Texts From Last Night · TangoSuckaa's Favorites

TangoSuckaa's Favorites Texts:

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(313): View more from Michigan

I wish costco sold astroglide.

(248): View more from Michigan

i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(310): View more from California

totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(773): View more from Illinois

Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(281): View more from Texas

Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(904): View more from Florida

There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(810): View more from Michigan

dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'

(810): View more from Michigan

needless to say i wont be back home tonight

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(905): View more from Toronto

Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...

(301): View more from Maryland

Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(850): View more from Florida

I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(210): View more from Texas

this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.

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(443): View more from Maryland

hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(214): View more from Texas

I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(770): View more from Georgia

Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

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(404): View more from Georgia

its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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(775): View more from Nevada

If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(914): View more from New York

i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(214): View more from Texas

Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(813): View more from Florida

There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me

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(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous

(269): View more from Michigan

If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(330): View more from Ohio

How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

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(858): View more from California

I'll start drinking again when I know where I am

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(517): View more from Michigan

Tell her she can't have a vagina

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....

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(515): View more from Iowa

took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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