This is my gift to your gina
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.