idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they're like a gay fantastic four
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.