It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Also, beer. Big fan.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
