Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she pinky promised me she was 18
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
sarcasm needs its own font
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so explain again why im purple
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.