I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Small penises have feelings too.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
seriously i just wanna be friends
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
R you on birth control?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have demons in me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
no, he came in my armpit
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper