Texts From Last Night · akcheer22's Favorites

akcheer22's Favorites Texts:

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

We tried having a conversation with our noses.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(609): View more from New Jersey

imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(828): View more from North Carolina

there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?

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(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(512): View more from Texas

everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(818): View more from California

We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(248): View more from Michigan

so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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(407): View more from Florida

We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(425): View more from Washington

got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

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(432): View more from Texas

Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(954): View more from Florida

I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(970): View more from Colorado

What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk

(1-970): View more from Colorado

That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!

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(909): View more from California

he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Since when is my name a synonym for head?

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(310): View more from California

I think I won the penis lottery.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i can't believe i had my finger in that

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(626): View more from California

They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(512): View more from Texas

I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

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(815): View more from Illinois

What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wish I could teleport

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

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(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(661): View more from California

i wish semen tasted like chocolate

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?

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(912): View more from Georgia

you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(563): View more from Iowa

even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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(239): View more from Florida

And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

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(714): View more from California

i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.

(573): View more from Missouri

I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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(813): View more from Florida

you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(954): View more from Florida

I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

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