No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY