I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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