I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she told me i tasted like america
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...