I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I cockslap morals
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I look better un-naked...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers