Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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