That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
bring money and cleavage
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I have demons in me.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.