I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
its not stalking. its research.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
seriously i just wanna be friends
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here