You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
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Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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