I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...