The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this will be a night to untag.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.