oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
