i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just found a bag of teeth...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
they're staring at me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter