Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
