Texts From Last Night

annaliese's Favorites Texts:

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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
  Replies (12) Good night (3950) Bad night (616)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers

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  (248): I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers http://tfl.nu/q3tc
  Replies (7) Good night (1868) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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  (315): mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!" http://tfl.nu/d3gl
  Replies (22) Good night (4826) Bad night (1275) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
  Replies (11) Good night (6416) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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  (765): Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic http://tfl.nu/acyn
  Replies (6) Good night (4535) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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  (217): I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in. http://tfl.nu/j76d
  Replies (7) Good night (3163) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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  (785): Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok http://tfl.nu/c6qb
  Replies (7) Good night (2838) Bad night (530)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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  (715): Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober. http://tfl.nu/abtg
  Replies (2) Good night (3187) Bad night (673)
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  (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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  (310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4
  Replies (10) Good night (4022) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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  (917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af
  Replies (9) Good night (3781) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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  (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is. http://tfl.nu/mbfy
  Replies (6) Good night (3227) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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  (617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i
  Replies (28) Good night (4342) Bad night (1118) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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  (612): i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore. http://tfl.nu/6de5
  Replies (14) Good night (3383) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
  Replies (6) Good night (3970) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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  (207): No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better. http://tfl.nu/mlps
  Replies (14) Good night (1004) Bad night (3539) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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  (901): He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless. http://tfl.nu/gg4g
  Replies (5) Good night (3443) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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  (703): To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M." http://tfl.nu/juhx
  Replies (8) Good night (5801) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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  (815): I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock". http://tfl.nu/fz13
  Replies (24) Good night (4581) Bad night (863) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
  Replies (37) Good night (12488) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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  (810): There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry. http://tfl.nu/kj1j
  Replies (2) Good night (2634) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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  (+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn
  Replies (15) Good night (5553) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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  (312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles http://tfl.nu/bowu
  Replies (9) Good night (4012) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
  Replies (4) Good night (3028) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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  (215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss
  Replies (11) Good night (4556) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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  (978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g
  Replies (5) Good night (4714) Bad night (1650) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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  (919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp
  Replies (4) Good night (6357) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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  (914): shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness http://tfl.nu/7ruk
  Replies (32) Good night (1687) Bad night (4364) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (10978) Bad night (952)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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  (815): she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her. http://tfl.nu/1rnx
  Replies (10) Good night (5689) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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  (570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3
  Replies (8) Good night (4512) Bad night (759)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
  Replies (20) Good night (11346) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (25106) Bad night (1926) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19434) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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  (603): well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access. http://tfl.nu/o23q
  Replies (26) Good night (3658) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
  Replies (82) Good night (10721) Bad night (1508) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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  (978): as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..." http://tfl.nu/w3wh
  Replies (17) Good night (5627) Bad night (1194) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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  (858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np
  Replies (22) Good night (5994) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (65) Good night (12074) Bad night (1900) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
  Replies (25) Good night (5631) Bad night (3284)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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  (417): That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again http://tfl.nu/ofmm
  Replies (37) Good night (7208) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (21128) Bad night (1201)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
  Replies (18) Good night (1522) Bad night (3705) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (15453) Bad night (983)
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  (714): View more from California

  Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

  (562): View more from California

  You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

  (714): View more from California

  Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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  (714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl
  Replies (20) Good night (4871) Bad night (1100)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  He just wants an even tan

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  (860): I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked. (1-860): He just wants an even tan http://tfl.nu/akk9
  Replies (18) Good night (3910) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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  (817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus
  Replies (25) Good night (8353) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
  Replies (12) Good night (9452) Bad night (789)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  God, you're like boner-b-gone

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  (305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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  (804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
  Replies (24) Good night (7117) Bad night (793)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14016) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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  (403): I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize http://tfl.nu/xooj
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  i came on her dog

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  (504): i came on her dog http://tfl.nu/ocp2
  Replies (44) Good night (1895) Bad night (6418) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
  Replies (30) Good night (7051) Bad night (1185)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
  Replies (17) Good night (4688) Bad night (1923)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
  Replies (13) Good night (5074) Bad night (712)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
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  (607): View more from New York

  My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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  (607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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  (417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah. http://tfl.nu/uiae
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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  (417): And my fence, why is part of it on the roof? http://tfl.nu/v3wp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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  (816): I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight. (417): I'm going for alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/l0is
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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  (417): So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes. http://tfl.nu/bjrk
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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  (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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  (519): and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover. http://tfl.nu/uo1b
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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  (417): Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home. http://tfl.nu/79mc
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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  (403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  (207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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  (402): Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches. (1-402): At least he's a nutritious stoner... http://tfl.nu/2qp4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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  (401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
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  (562): View more from California

  cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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  (562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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  (202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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  (610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.

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  (417): This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer. http://tfl.nu/gsk7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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  (917): i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities http://tfl.nu/habk
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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  (817): Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though http://tfl.nu/u94q
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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where's it at?

  (706): View more from Georgia

  In your pants.

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  (706): We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now. (1-706): Where's it at? (706): In your pants. http://tfl.nu/w8ar
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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  (727): You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on. http://tfl.nu/u7oz
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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  (609): We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada. http://tfl.nu/0b9c
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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  (518): Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen. http://tfl.nu/qer2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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  (203): Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end. http://tfl.nu/e1gy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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  (248): the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky http://tfl.nu/6tb5
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i think i scared a bird with my dick

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  (832): i think i scared a bird with my dick http://tfl.nu/1tdx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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  (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  God wants them to get laid too.

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  (267): Why do fat girls all have such cute faces? (484): God wants them to get laid too. http://tfl.nu/23cz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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  (860): She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora http://tfl.nu/wtuh
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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  (630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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  (239): Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot... http://tfl.nu/oqxd
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Haha did she know what fisting meant?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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  (734): Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that. (1-734): Haha did she know what fisting meant? (734): Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself http://tfl.nu/kykk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Church boner. Awkwardddd

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  (203): Church boner. Awkwardddd http://tfl.nu/s9a2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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  (412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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  (703): using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes. http://tfl.nu/y0td
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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  (908): how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer? http://tfl.nu/a07e
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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  (720): so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass http://tfl.nu/kbrv
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

  (219): View more from Indiana

  You said that last year...

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  (260): Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate. (219): You said that last year... http://tfl.nu/7qlf
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

  (420): View more from

  your the best winggirl ever

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  (610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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  (917): I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying http://tfl.nu/unbu
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  (858): View more from California

  Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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  (858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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  (773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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  (417): I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL. http://tfl.nu/srh0
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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  (417): i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings. http://tfl.nu/51gi
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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  (860): And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that http://tfl.nu/ubil
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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  (918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/hs1z
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  (845): View more from New York

  that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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  (845): that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before... http://tfl.nu/0j29
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  3some

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You're right, stupid question.

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  (541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x
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  (954): View more from Florida

  thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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  (954): thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much. http://tfl.nu/ll22
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  (559): View more from California

  Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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  (559): Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie. http://tfl.nu/febc
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  (561): View more from Florida

  george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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  (561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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  (912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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  (484): I am the drunkest girl in the tree. http://tfl.nu/zje1
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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  (814): dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out. http://tfl.nu/nbi4
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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  (905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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  (608): sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself. http://tfl.nu/6c7w
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

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  (225): We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed. http://tfl.nu/eoiy
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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  (918): She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in. http://tfl.nu/ogcc
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  she has a santa fetish

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  cute.

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  (267): why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place? (215): she has a santa fetish (267): cute. http://tfl.nu/kuhz
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (415): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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  (415): If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition. http://tfl.nu/fwuo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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  (708): she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween. http://tfl.nu/3m71
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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  (617): Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate http://tfl.nu/lx6z
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  (661): View more from California

  Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

  (1-661): View more from California

  Lol thats a classic

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  (661): Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me. (1-661): Lol thats a classic http://tfl.nu/zpo3
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  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (805): View more from California

  Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

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  (805): Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win. http://tfl.nu/velv
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  (716): View more from New York

  My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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  (716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24
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  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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  (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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  (405): I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost. http://tfl.nu/voez
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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  (757): we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink. http://tfl.nu/2r69
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  I like it rough

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  (402): You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right? (1-402): I like it rough http://tfl.nu/uqsl
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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  (412): words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing. http://tfl.nu/a6am
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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  (417): Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library. http://tfl.nu/8guv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (253): View more from Washington

  You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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  (253): You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!! http://tfl.nu/4k8v
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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  (908): the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father (973): i think girls just don't want to fuck you http://tfl.nu/fr5s
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

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  (608): I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over http://tfl.nu/rs0c
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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  (905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you

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  (517): Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you http://tfl.nu/77p0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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  (706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

  (989): View more from Michigan

  i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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  (231): my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring (989): i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me http://tfl.nu/18pl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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  (724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard. http://tfl.nu/gkmc
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Haha. Niice.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  both.

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  (479): So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack. (307): Haha. Niice. (479): Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered. (307): both. http://tfl.nu/wvm3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You are an asshole

  (574): View more from Indiana

  haha sleeping beauty awakes.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Where did you find this costume?

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  (616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai
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  (818): View more from California

  Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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  (818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical. http://tfl.nu/onyl
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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  (309): My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do? http://tfl.nu/tx29
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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  (717): where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from? http://tfl.nu/obbh
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  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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  (252): he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox. http://tfl.nu/v0mm
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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  (410): These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow. http://tfl.nu/e5qu
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

  (917): View more from New York City

  the suitcase or the dildo?

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  (312): i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it (917): the suitcase or the dildo? http://tfl.nu/j1en
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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  (832): i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week. http://tfl.nu/mv1q
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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  (216): normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures http://tfl.nu/psn6
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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  (985): Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write http://tfl.nu/1t11
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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  (203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you. (603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow. http://tfl.nu/7phl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"

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  (610): I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER. (610): When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!" http://tfl.nu/bnpd
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
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