I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I want to have your abortion
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"