Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My pussy is not your playground.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I spit up blood this morning
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.