a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i just had sex bonerless
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.