I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!