Texts From Last Night

dcborn1587's Favorites Texts:

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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4173) Bad night (314)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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  (605): Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying? http://tfl.nu/tphe
  Replies (12) Good night (3759) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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  (714): For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out. http://tfl.nu/58i4
  Replies (3) Good night (2308) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.

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  (775): At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later. http://tfl.nu/5mcf
  Replies (4) Good night (600) Bad night (1923) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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  (803): and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace http://tfl.nu/njta
  Replies (7) Good night (2436) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.

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  (316): As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on. http://tfl.nu/xyx3
  Replies (6) Good night (402) Bad night (3359) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

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  (303): She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub. http://tfl.nu/e0e1
  Replies (4) Good night (2730) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5140) Bad night (888)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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  (407): I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down. http://tfl.nu/6857
  Replies (5) Good night (2604) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.

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  (484): you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out. http://tfl.nu/twgf
  Replies (3) Good night (1659) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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  (512): She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool. http://tfl.nu/41p2
  Replies (2) Good night (1804) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.

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  (702): We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend. http://tfl.nu/9xyn
  Replies (13) Good night (602) Bad night (2085) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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  (928): I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas! http://tfl.nu/f207
  Replies (9) Good night (2986) Bad night (526)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.

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  (513): She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand. http://tfl.nu/7zl1
  Replies (9) Good night (2306) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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  (585): they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too http://tfl.nu/0m73
  Replies (6) Good night (3022) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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  (210): I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker http://tfl.nu/tvqf
  Replies (8) Good night (2581) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

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  (715): Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me http://tfl.nu/9534
  Replies (2) Good night (683) Bad night (2067) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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  (516): He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something. http://tfl.nu/60sr
  Replies (7) Good night (1887) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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  (815): I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk. http://tfl.nu/8nn3
  Replies (13) Good night (3115) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

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  (502): Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it! http://tfl.nu/c7ri
  Replies (7) Good night (2857) Bad night (626)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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  (516): Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment http://tfl.nu/52np
  Replies (4) Good night (2728) Bad night (1142)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3488) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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  (925): After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome http://tfl.nu/nygq
  Replies (10) Good night (3600) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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  (703): There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse. http://tfl.nu/1du4
  Replies (27) Good night (3167) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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  (504): You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw. http://tfl.nu/90j8
  Replies (6) Good night (2699) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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  (316): Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage? http://tfl.nu/r2cg
  Replies (6) Good night (1983) Bad night (1490) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Did we literally take a cab across the street

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  (925): Did we literally take a cab across the street http://tfl.nu/hdnq
  Replies (10) Good night (3152) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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  (618): Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers. http://tfl.nu/lte3
  Replies (7) Good night (2781) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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  (210): Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad http://tfl.nu/hc4q
  Replies (9) Good night (3554) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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  (403): while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see. http://tfl.nu/6p31
  Replies (4) Good night (2733) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
  Replies (31) Good night (10354) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
  Replies (25) Good night (1766) Bad night (8620) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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  (860): the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real. http://tfl.nu/2bbh
  Replies (4) Good night (4357) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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  (402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf
  Replies (15) Good night (4041) Bad night (3590) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

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  (207): he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem http://tfl.nu/s9hf
  Replies (7) Good night (852) Bad night (2630)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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  (917): I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips. http://tfl.nu/10y5
  Replies (14) Good night (2857) Bad night (1531) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
  Replies (11) Good night (6416) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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  (989): He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame http://tfl.nu/n7tj
  Replies (6) Good night (4961) Bad night (778)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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  (706): we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk. http://tfl.nu/l985
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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  (+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda
  Replies (10) Good night (2652) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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  (978): dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit http://tfl.nu/yivm
  Replies (14) Good night (910) Bad night (3377) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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  (859): We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints. http://tfl.nu/0ly1
  Replies (5) Good night (3006) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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  (773): I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe. http://tfl.nu/xtio
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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  (434): She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere http://tfl.nu/6t7j
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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  (662): they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments. http://tfl.nu/u5vp
  Replies (10) Good night (2275) Bad night (761)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out

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  (806): He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out http://tfl.nu/voyg
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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  (803): the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/ly2i
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Someone in a vagina costume on campus.

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  (541): Someone in a vagina costume on campus. http://tfl.nu/klak
  Replies (7) Good night (2659) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room

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  (503): We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room http://tfl.nu/9vw8
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  (845): View more from New York

  you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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  (845): you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes http://tfl.nu/5rry
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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  (613): We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed. http://tfl.nu/xcuo
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  (607): View more from New York

  his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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  (607): his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop. http://tfl.nu/p3uz
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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  (614): You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right? http://tfl.nu/6ebj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?

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  (541): Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl? http://tfl.nu/31z4
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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  (504): So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back. http://tfl.nu/rbde
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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  (412): I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate. http://tfl.nu/bucy
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  (925): View more from California

  This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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  (925): This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong. http://tfl.nu/nz0q
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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  (815): She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water. http://tfl.nu/94yr
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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  (815): you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night. http://tfl.nu/m1vr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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  (917): You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door. http://tfl.nu/b3vl
  Replies (8) Good night (2023) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

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  (906): Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am? http://tfl.nu/ceer
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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  (847): Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised. http://tfl.nu/qe86
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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  (810): I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same http://tfl.nu/4oc8
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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  (740): he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life http://tfl.nu/cbjj
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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  (217): Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls. http://tfl.nu/z40q
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

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  (817): I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started. http://tfl.nu/bmag
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (925): View more from California

  you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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  (925): you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left http://tfl.nu/56sv
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

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  (504): Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair. http://tfl.nu/39w1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.

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  (303): He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal. http://tfl.nu/7xt6
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  (818): View more from California

  The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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  (818): The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again. http://tfl.nu/z8ef
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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  (808): she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous http://tfl.nu/8uf4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley

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  (917): i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley http://tfl.nu/xm6d
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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  (978): you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool... http://tfl.nu/os9w
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.

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  (319): I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie. http://tfl.nu/hxcl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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  (248): A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/bfx0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

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  (978): I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far. http://tfl.nu/izah
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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  (858): Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in. http://tfl.nu/efr3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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  (248): Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated. http://tfl.nu/1crf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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  (541): just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony.. http://tfl.nu/riwy
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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  (517): I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors http://tfl.nu/omyr
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  (585): View more from New York

  just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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  (585): just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse. http://tfl.nu/g20v
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
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  (951): View more from California

  All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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  (951): All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants. http://tfl.nu/xx9d
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (607): View more from New York

  She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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  (607): She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle http://tfl.nu/wl70
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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  (313): while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up. http://tfl.nu/p2q9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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  (620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. http://tfl.nu/lsv9
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  (845): View more from New York

  We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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  (845): We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey. http://tfl.nu/dkad
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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  (724): You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night. http://tfl.nu/vcog
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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  (724): I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it! http://tfl.nu/y71c
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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  (303): You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat http://tfl.nu/m0wi
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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  (647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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  (505): You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night http://tfl.nu/jwrk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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  (864): U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating" http://tfl.nu/kntp
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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  (360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  By 8 I mean 9.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  And by 9 I mean 10.

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  (503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (631): View more from New York

  So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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  (631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?" http://tfl.nu/ljzm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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  (819): I woke up to her vacumming the grass http://tfl.nu/p4j1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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  (515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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  (210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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  (312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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  (303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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  (513): Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth? http://tfl.nu/ukqr
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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  (973): had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home. http://tfl.nu/ffng
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  She tied me up with her honor cords...

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  (608): She tied me up with her honor cords... http://tfl.nu/y0v2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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  (860): I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat http://tfl.nu/ctv0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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  (815): I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire. http://tfl.nu/5e7s
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (315): View more from New York

  His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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  (315): His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians. http://tfl.nu/73dw
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (845): View more from New York

  I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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  (845): I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ. http://tfl.nu/s7ef
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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  (434): i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome http://tfl.nu/lk4z
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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  (608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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  (604): fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this http://tfl.nu/yh2h
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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  (519): mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing http://tfl.nu/5ec7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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  (210): Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously http://tfl.nu/22yg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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  (732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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  (919): Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool (252): Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five http://tfl.nu/6bci
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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  (908): he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious http://tfl.nu/30k1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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  (856): She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk" http://tfl.nu/d5n3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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  (519): Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm... http://tfl.nu/v0t6
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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  (908): i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer... http://tfl.nu/lulm
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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  (720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  How did the beer even get there in the first place?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  That's not what's important right now

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  (734): Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina? (1-734): How did the beer even get there in the first place? (734): That's not what's important right now http://tfl.nu/17l2
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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  (269): I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/z1gu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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  (208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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  (516): Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me... http://tfl.nu/nenj
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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  (613): The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches. http://tfl.nu/uy09
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.

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  (519): how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail. http://tfl.nu/ymgr
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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  (317): I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account. http://tfl.nu/ui6k
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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  (419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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  (206): I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right. http://tfl.nu/kss9
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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  (501): He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice. http://tfl.nu/qyuj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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  (501): i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is. http://tfl.nu/pdzt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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  (618): the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux http://tfl.nu/x72r
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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  (330): you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there. http://tfl.nu/1912
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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  (215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway... http://tfl.nu/qwxo
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  (714): View more from California

  turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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  (714): turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker http://tfl.nu/o91j
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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  (785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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  (248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing. http://tfl.nu/gzcy
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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  (630): last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone. http://tfl.nu/hjip
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  (406): View more from Montana

  we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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  (406): we convinced you the moon was a planet...again http://tfl.nu/tbv6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (408): View more from California

  You drunk yet?

  (925): View more from California

  Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

  (408): View more from California

  Cant make any promises.

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  (408): You drunk yet? (925): Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them. (408): Cant make any promises. http://tfl.nu/jm9i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  That was a text you sent me last night.

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  (513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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  (952): He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job. (320): Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud. http://tfl.nu/wke9
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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  (902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9
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  (207): View more from Maine

  hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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  (207): hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either. http://tfl.nu/vb3y
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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  (864): she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY http://tfl.nu/d7k6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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  (502): I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart. http://tfl.nu/9vpe
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  (631): View more from New York

  i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

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  (631): i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world http://tfl.nu/qaz3
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  (914): View more from New York

  you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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  (914): you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped http://tfl.nu/cz84
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  (408): View more from California

  you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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  (408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

  (847): View more from Illinois

  No promises.

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  (773): Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me (847): No promises. http://tfl.nu/emuw
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
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  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Want any specific kind of beer?

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Got it. Anything but Miller.

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  (701): Want any specific kind of beer? (623): Yeah. Alcohol flavor. (701): Got it. Anything but Miller. http://tfl.nu/wg65
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Me specifically?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Yep.

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  (903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  who won?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  THAT is your concern right now?

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  (647): on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest.. (1-647): who won? (647): THAT is your concern right now? http://tfl.nu/f9cv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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  (803): I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do. http://tfl.nu/xze3
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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  (514): The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you. http://tfl.nu/k985
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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  (503): How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record? http://tfl.nu/dn2a
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  (631): View more from New York

  woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

  (516): View more from New York

  you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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  (631): woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain? (516): you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food." http://tfl.nu/33sl
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  (254): View more from Texas

  The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium

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  (254): The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium http://tfl.nu/41rv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

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  (802): He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed. http://tfl.nu/y5o9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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  (612): all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high. http://tfl.nu/s4fq
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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  (702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation? http://tfl.nu/6nb1
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  pat the guy you slept with

  (314): View more from Missouri

  still need a last name

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  (314): hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this? (573): pat the guy you slept with (314): still need a last name http://tfl.nu/e97s
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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  (256): I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up http://tfl.nu/q8f6
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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  (765): I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings. http://tfl.nu/mgul
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

  (954): View more from Florida

  Why wouldn't there be.

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  (704): Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower? (954): Why wouldn't there be. http://tfl.nu/wwnv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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  (203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night http://tfl.nu/hkfs
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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  (214): dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones! http://tfl.nu/aql1
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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  (204): When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends? (1-204): When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why? (204): I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well... http://tfl.nu/o1jd
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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  (301): im trying to catch a child molester. call you later. http://tfl.nu/dlxg
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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  (970): Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas??? http://tfl.nu/mb80
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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  (647): The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display. http://tfl.nu/9yl8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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  (519): Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle. http://tfl.nu/hct4
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  I see you've learned your lesson.

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  (937): I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status... (1-937): I see you've learned your lesson. http://tfl.nu/pjfr
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry about it.

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  (217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave? (1-217): Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/f5vn
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
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  (315): View more from New York

  He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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  (315): He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic? http://tfl.nu/piwl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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  (705): Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world. http://tfl.nu/0fm4
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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