we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward