I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I puked a lego.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.