So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.