Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love