Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.