I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
