Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it glows. i had to have it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.