Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
someone owes me an orgasm
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
His hands were made for my vagina.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Life is so much better after having sex.