You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
im so drunk with asians
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling