As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
bring money and cleavage
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song