Texts From Last Night · Sectumsempra's Favorites

Sectumsempra's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

Fav 5 1806 791
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.

Fav 2 650 530
share tweet

(636): View more from Missouri

Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.

Fav 14 694 2026
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay

Fav 4 1085 569
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(949): View more from California

You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

Fav 0 915 717
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

Fav 7 1550 670
share tweet

(804): View more from Virginia

You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

Fav 13 2749 1226
share tweet

(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

Fav 5 1648 657
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

Fav 9 2406 948
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

Fav 3 1373 776
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

Fav 20 2946 1090
share tweet

(423): View more from Tennessee

The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.

Fav 1 2765 691
share tweet

(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

Fav 2 2097 798
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

Fav 22 1434 3231
share tweet

(913): View more from Kansas

My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.

Fav 9 1446 1331
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

Fav 29 5662 1437
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

Fav 24 7190 1298
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9809 1961
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

Fav 18 1660 928
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

Fav 11 3384 885
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring gay.

(250): View more from British Columbia

By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.

Fav 3 2438 833
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?

Fav 9 1194 721
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life

Fav 2 753 1442
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.

Fav 6 1430 899
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Fav 22 3434 1197
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

Fav 20 5072 1300
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

Fav 30 1559 4291
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.

Fav 4 928 1204
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

Fav 6 1926 1070
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

Fav 5 2418 1034
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.

Fav 0 1164 753
share tweet
(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

Fav 6 883 1235
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.

Fav 4 1551 699
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

Fav 6 2828 841
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear

Fav 3 958 720
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday

Fav 2 1581 713
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

Fav 7 1980 728
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

Fav 8 1986 835
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

Fav 8 4082 781
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

Fav 11 1423 748
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

Fav 41 12283 1479
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

Fav 39 1416 16175
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

Fav 58 1420 4495
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

Fav 10 4940 1337
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

Fav 6 1242 1833
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

Fav 7 1195 1620
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

Fav 7 1836 878
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

Fav 9 2118 754
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

Fav 17 4062 1584
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

Fav 4 3260 1380
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.

Fav 13 1623 4305
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

Fav 5 3703 905
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

Fav 62 7454 1358
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

Fav 10 2919 1292
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

Fav 13 2884 891
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

Fav 13 9088 1334
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.

(802): View more from Vermont

...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.

Fav 28 903 2284
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket

Fav 11 4112 951
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

Fav 48 1594 7629
share tweet
(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

Fav 7 5262 1354
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9151 1824
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

Fav 18 3736 1256
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

Fav 15 5251 1430
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

Fav 43 15049 1370
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

Fav 16 7726 1238
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

Fav 7 2145 901
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

Fav 31 1102 2548
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

Fav 8 2059 1057
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.

Fav 10 3271 812
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

Fav 10 2882 910
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

Fav 17 5535 1275
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

Fav 6 1730 997
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

Fav 11 2599 1843
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

Fav 42 4150 1020
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

Fav 19 4547 1194
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

Fav 12 4704 1078
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

Fav 7 3384 1020
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective

Fav 8 1878 908
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

Fav 18 5954 1365
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman

Fav 6 2284 976
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.

Fav 5 4601 913
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.

Fav 7 2252 985
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

Fav 10 3393 1618
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2121
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

Fav 16 1069 2350
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

Fav 9 3114 842
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

Fav 3 1547 1295
share tweet
(510): View more from California

This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.

Fav 7 1095 1490
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4991 1249
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

Fav 8 2249 966
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

Fav 4 3644 1140
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone

Fav 38 931 2061
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

Fav 14 1214 2989
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

Fav 17 5463 1514
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

Fav 6 2721 1128
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.

Fav 6 1488 1161
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

Fav 16 2956 981
share tweet
(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

Fav 8 4545 1115
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

Fav 8 5219 1136
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

Fav 6 2886 1079
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

Fav 19 3050 1765
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

Fav 6 3180 1341
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

Fav 4 2619 1068
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

Fav 21 1119 1886
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.

Fav 35 5005 1180
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

Fav 38 5134 1135
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

Fav 15 7326 2397
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

Fav 4 3449 1132
share tweet
(916): View more from California

If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

Fav 14 1162 3566
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

Fav 84 2327 7201
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14040 1743
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

Fav 107 2307 6056
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

Fav 113 1370 6575
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

Fav 31 7484 1149
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9970 1746
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7849 1578
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2356
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8171 1566
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

Fav 19 6094 1385
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

Fav 52 12831 2082
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

Fav 19 4900 1573
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

Fav 17 5848 1342
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

Fav 45 5687 1467
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53785 3100
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

Fav 23 4456 2249
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Fav 91 4659 16954
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

Fav 28 5822 1304
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20508 2508
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

Fav 32 6602 1570
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9026 1509
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

Fav 39 4324 1463
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

Fav 17 3410 1023
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

Fav 27 1215 6699
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

Fav 20 7062 1195
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

Fav 16 1818 3773
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7107 1533
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.

Fav 18 5156 815
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

Fav 77 2888 5231
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

Fav 36 4954 936
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1179
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

Fav 121 2097 1785
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

Fav 20 3925 1007
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

Fav 109 13838 2390
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6899 7363
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

Fav 50 4981 1156
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing

(719): View more from Colorado

The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?

(303): View more from Colorado

Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner

Fav 13 2859 1039
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

Fav 13 4193 949
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

Fav 12 1403 5336
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

Fav 14 3682 1260
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

:( I miss blowjobs.

(973): View more from New Jersey

This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.

Fav 22 3176 1104
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

Fav 31 6288 1296
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17386 2469
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

Fav 30 7458 1740
share tweet
(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

Fav 16 9584 1521
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1468
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

Fav 19 4853 1624
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15245 2555
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

Fav 26 4454 1348
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

Fav 15 6582 1471
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

Fav 31 8892 3421
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

Fav 40 5268 1549
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

Fav 110 9831 2580
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11140 3716
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19330 1852
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

Fav 12 5055 1282
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

Fav 34 2727 3145
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

Fav 19 4785 1535
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching

(586): View more from Michigan

Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)

(586): View more from Michigan

It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie

Fav 6 1151 1386
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

Fav 50 5665 1431
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

Fav 34 4019 901
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

Fav 17 1111 5483
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

Fav 30 1267 7178
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in

Fav 9 1200 3544
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

Fav 26 1177 3551
share tweet
(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

Fav 65 2999 3947
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

Fav 5 1975 3284
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

Fav 47 15195 2259
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

Fav 18 4700 947
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

Fav 86 5438 2424
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11214 1339
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

Fav 9 1504 2561
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

Fav 42 2483 921
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

Fav 13 2601 1379
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1173
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

Fav 19 3056 7015
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

Fav 9 1317 2351
share tweet
(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

Fav 43 9164 1788
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63484 2871
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

Fav 51 18368 1530
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

Fav 24 6554 1278
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68656 3915
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

Fav 35 8888 1134
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

Fav 39 7662 1225
share tweet