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Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think my vagina is haunted
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I understand Curling. That high.
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