I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I cockslap morals
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal