Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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