for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.