Texts From Last Night · ShortGiraffe23's Favorites

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ShortGiraffe23's Favorites Texts:

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(978): He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet.. http://tfl.nu/dgrg

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6

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(702): View more from Nevada

the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

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(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry! http://tfl.nu/25bg

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5

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(702): View more from Nevada

is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?

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(702): is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable? http://tfl.nu/ood9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(248): are you still at the devil's house? http://tfl.nu/bw8z

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(816): I hate your face http://tfl.nu/3afk

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(303): You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat http://tfl.nu/m0wi

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me. http://tfl.nu/8txy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(912): I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection. http://tfl.nu/273s

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(650): he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car http://tfl.nu/7wdo

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

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(919): I spit up blood this morning (206): That's vegas. http://tfl.nu/44z7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt

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(239): View more from Florida

apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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(239): apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms http://tfl.nu/7buk

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(720): just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing. http://tfl.nu/182p

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(250): Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls... http://tfl.nu/1wve

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(313): I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex. http://tfl.nu/ugby

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(502): Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there. http://tfl.nu/zqp7

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k

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(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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(423): drunk tastebuds have low standards. http://tfl.nu/mx1k

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust. http://tfl.nu/mc9g

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz

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(970): View more from Colorado

Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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(970): Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college." http://tfl.nu/qe42

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(203): doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student. http://tfl.nu/a880

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(423): gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it http://tfl.nu/v9kx

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(412): Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+? http://tfl.nu/fsug

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(905): View more from Ontario

the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster

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(905): the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster http://tfl.nu/r7o9

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(650): If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance http://tfl.nu/4709

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(609): Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock http://tfl.nu/dnop

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money. http://tfl.nu/o990

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(314): View more from Missouri

I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs

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(314): I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs http://tfl.nu/syr9

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(303): He felt like a one man threesome http://tfl.nu/1ehs

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me http://tfl.nu/osg9

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(231): Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk. http://tfl.nu/0k6c

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(612): three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left. http://tfl.nu/3pzj

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(814): I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day. http://tfl.nu/s1o1

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(315): im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor http://tfl.nu/m26k

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(315): I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/6xcw

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(301): seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything... (443): that's spring break in florida for ya http://tfl.nu/f4zu

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(702): I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights. http://tfl.nu/kdxh

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(215): the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off http://tfl.nu/gmrh

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(519): So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok. http://tfl.nu/j1n1

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(702): I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer http://tfl.nu/pk2a

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(845): my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe http://tfl.nu/yy5r

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(248): i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times... http://tfl.nu/ibyk

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(709): She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship. http://tfl.nu/de5k

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(513): Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot. http://tfl.nu/qalf

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(814): I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up. http://tfl.nu/mktj

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(508): right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy." http://tfl.nu/262w

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(906): Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore http://tfl.nu/jxvu

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7

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(303): View more from Colorado

Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher

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(303): Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher http://tfl.nu/qru2

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(909): Would you still love me if I had no teeth (1-909): Yeah why? (909): Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone http://tfl.nu/a6a1

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(253): Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away. http://tfl.nu/2pvy

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

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(334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender. (205): Win! http://tfl.nu/0n6n

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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(202): respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus http://tfl.nu/nfd9

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(281): View more from Texas

i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

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(281): i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy http://tfl.nu/yz4e

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y

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(678): View more from Georgia

There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.

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(678): There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me. http://tfl.nu/i6y1

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(269): So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church! http://tfl.nu/fvvt

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

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(513): Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere. http://tfl.nu/ay2u

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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(570): I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons... http://tfl.nu/4olw

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(614): If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold. http://tfl.nu/55cb

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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(+44): how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it. http://tfl.nu/3ndz

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(712): My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN! http://tfl.nu/er39

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(630): When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast. http://tfl.nu/nqf8

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(303): I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles. http://tfl.nu/osg1

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(954): I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning. (727): More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort. http://tfl.nu/lvyr

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(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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(213): I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday http://tfl.nu/jq66

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(602): 69 |D_O (1-602): wtf does that mean?? (602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently" http://tfl.nu/6ega

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(226): View more from Ontario

i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.

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(226): i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much. http://tfl.nu/edmc

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

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(617): Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them! http://tfl.nu/ih83

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(310): A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am. http://tfl.nu/d1e6

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?

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(570): do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless? http://tfl.nu/2m3m

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(443): you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up http://tfl.nu/89z7

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(410): I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night. http://tfl.nu/vy3a

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok

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(209): View more from California

Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

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(209): Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night http://tfl.nu/zz66

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top

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(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

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(309): In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st. (217): gotta love wednesdays http://tfl.nu/3grc

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation? http://tfl.nu/6nb1

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(214): just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high? http://tfl.nu/2d1b

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(208): Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly (1-208): What is a GED? http://tfl.nu/qgi3

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(917): we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer. http://tfl.nu/2zy4

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(423): I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!! (615): I don't wanna die... http://tfl.nu/h1ht

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(917): under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift http://tfl.nu/rkcx

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(812): Have you seen my high heels that I wore out? (1-812): You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/rqvo

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(303): i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around http://tfl.nu/e0gz

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(617): just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil. http://tfl.nu/drc4

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(368): you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/nfr6

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(312): I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm http://tfl.nu/hl7i

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(+61): I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy. http://tfl.nu/xos0

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(319): you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met (1-319): thanks it was an honor just to be nominated http://tfl.nu/yswc

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(650): I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend? http://tfl.nu/l4fs

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(910): just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics http://tfl.nu/3wmw

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(610): I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning. http://tfl.nu/50tz

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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(617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened http://tfl.nu/7n12

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj

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(530): View more from California

Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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(530): Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls. http://tfl.nu/qy86

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(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

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(601): you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans. http://tfl.nu/q9cz

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(202): im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please http://tfl.nu/aagw

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(440): One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm http://tfl.nu/xdgb

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(601): Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :( http://tfl.nu/zxos

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

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(512): I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah. http://tfl.nu/atyf

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(816): and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like. (1-816): Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours (816): outstanding. http://tfl.nu/qtfw

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4

Replies (144) Good night (1505) Bad night (18551)
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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(858): I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street. http://tfl.nu/fk7f

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(630): just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead. (815): we live in such a classy society. http://tfl.nu/glf0

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(202): Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death. http://tfl.nu/mvsk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(203): please don't let me die tonight (860): what have you done for me lately? http://tfl.nu/9vcn

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.

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(405): Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am. http://tfl.nu/ox2k

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(607): The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again. http://tfl.nu/rkzi

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(812): About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix. http://tfl.nu/c1od

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.

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(479): I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary. http://tfl.nu/vju6

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr

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(205): View more from Alabama

it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it

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(205): it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it http://tfl.nu/0her

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