I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
no, he came in my armpit
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".