This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just saw a hot homeless man
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I must be too annoying 4 u.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
4 words: hood of his car
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Is that why you're texting me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together