We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im so drunk with asians
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
false alarm. still invincible.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.