i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
