Texts From Last Night · loeganmarie's Favorites

loeganmarie's Favorites Texts:

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(515): I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month http://tfl.nu/wdkb

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(901): This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/m2hu

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(713): View more from Texas

Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship

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(713): Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship http://tfl.nu/tzas

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(402): Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight? http://tfl.nu/u33p

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

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(780): I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark http://tfl.nu/gkqi

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(330): I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong. http://tfl.nu/hqmh

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(864): Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that. http://tfl.nu/ou7s

Replies (6) Good night (1869) Bad night (288)
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(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

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(519): I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party http://tfl.nu/i9gg

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(812): View more from Indiana

Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

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(812): Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night http://tfl.nu/74fx

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(216): Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud http://tfl.nu/kyzh

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(617): A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO http://tfl.nu/0cgy

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy

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(614): I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy http://tfl.nu/28is

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

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(770): He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits. http://tfl.nu/4emx

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(630): Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick." http://tfl.nu/sgnz

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(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

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(678): I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success. http://tfl.nu/rhn6

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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(+44): He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university http://tfl.nu/5znd

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(352): The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals. (1-352): Oh God. You're going to jail http://tfl.nu/m7qu

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(716): Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases http://tfl.nu/lpic

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(657): He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option. http://tfl.nu/oidb

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(651): Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS" http://tfl.nu/3sn5

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(408): I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/oyks

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(502): I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me. http://tfl.nu/3nq2

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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(304): i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy http://tfl.nu/mdww

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands. http://tfl.nu/fk2d

Replies (3) Good night (1659) Bad night (284)
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(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

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(904): Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday. (1-904): I told you to check, dude (904): Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out. http://tfl.nu/ef5z

Replies (14) Good night (1334) Bad night (397)
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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(250): You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you. http://tfl.nu/tyfl

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(631): Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet" http://tfl.nu/2suf

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(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

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(716): You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will http://tfl.nu/h8xm

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(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

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(718): I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch" http://tfl.nu/8il5

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

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(570): Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me. http://tfl.nu/6mb8

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(209): His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fo7

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(609): Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend. http://tfl.nu/bphq

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(937): Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me. http://tfl.nu/hltr

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(515): Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/28bg

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(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

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(614): THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/6k18

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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(859): I'm two sheets to the sexual wind http://tfl.nu/hwsp

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(201): I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl." http://tfl.nu/ji6j

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.

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(216): I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot. http://tfl.nu/mi2o

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...

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(843): So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight... http://tfl.nu/ph6r

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(813): View more from Florida

I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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(813): I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert. http://tfl.nu/diqw

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(443): I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon. http://tfl.nu/atl9

Replies (10) Good night (1824) Bad night (344)
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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(+61): I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs" http://tfl.nu/gwkh

Replies (4) Good night (1458) Bad night (339)
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

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(508): You made out with two different species that night http://tfl.nu/gvcb

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(306): whoa! who said he's my boyfriend? (1-306): Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina. http://tfl.nu/k1yy

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn

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(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

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(707): I wish your snatch was here (443): If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you http://tfl.nu/x7y8

Replies (12) Good night (1469) Bad night (431)
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(636): View more from Missouri

In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.

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(636): In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something. http://tfl.nu/dpws

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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(512): Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me http://tfl.nu/ce08

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.

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(313): I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off. http://tfl.nu/tbu4

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.

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(+44): Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life. http://tfl.nu/4vxb

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x

Replies (12) Good night (3549) Bad night (535)
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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq

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(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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(417): New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel. http://tfl.nu/qpdx

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

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(803): She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH" (864): Olive Garden will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/o2p7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?

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(412): Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with? http://tfl.nu/cuy6

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme

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(250): View more from British Columbia

im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape

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(250): im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape http://tfl.nu/bk86

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?

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(512): I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high? http://tfl.nu/rga0

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(208): View more from Idaho

Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.

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(208): Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex. http://tfl.nu/ah09

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(509): View more from Washington

I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.

(509): View more from Washington

Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.

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(509): I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream. (509): Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility. http://tfl.nu/ehsj

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(614): The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN. http://tfl.nu/jkdc

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt http://tfl.nu/fxac

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(720): Can we agree to not tell mom about this? (303): This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you. http://tfl.nu/ipdw

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(805): OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine. http://tfl.nu/qt1j

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing... http://tfl.nu/j7d9

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(509): As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. http://tfl.nu/wazh

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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(609): Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people. http://tfl.nu/gli6

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(519): Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud. http://tfl.nu/laot

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(509): View more from Washington

Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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(509): Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore http://tfl.nu/a1lx

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.

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(843): It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying. http://tfl.nu/4qy7

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.

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(843): Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex. http://tfl.nu/rb17

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(828): Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream http://tfl.nu/n2ta

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(512): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong http://tfl.nu/wvqv

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(330): View more from Ohio

She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.

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(330): She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager. http://tfl.nu/suup

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!

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(832): i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?! http://tfl.nu/yoqa

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(724): I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week http://tfl.nu/5fel

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(707): You rang? (405): Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone. http://tfl.nu/xnwm

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(604): he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink... http://tfl.nu/ok76

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(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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(586): My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage. http://tfl.nu/u2i7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(412): I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised. http://tfl.nu/nqg7

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(812): If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours http://tfl.nu/smol

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(512): well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber. http://tfl.nu/rkm3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(732): if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february http://tfl.nu/tz00

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(903): He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding (541): Can I have him when you're done? http://tfl.nu/4y2y

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized

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(217): Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized http://tfl.nu/ymju

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(949): it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable http://tfl.nu/8shm

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(913): I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name? http://tfl.nu/qxdg

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(323): View more from California

Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?

(310): View more from California

You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?

(323): View more from California

So...no?`

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(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out ___? (310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend? (323): So...no?` http://tfl.nu/oqmx

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(518): I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down. http://tfl.nu/m8at

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(484): i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen. http://tfl.nu/hdza

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(847): I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it. http://tfl.nu/gdcc

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic. http://tfl.nu/yvsq

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(864): For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before. http://tfl.nu/hdcs

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(989): View more from Michigan

Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with

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(989): Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with http://tfl.nu/ctqs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

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(715): Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor. http://tfl.nu/kri4

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(815): You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub. (1-815): Best Friends For Life. http://tfl.nu/ev62

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(918): I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her? http://tfl.nu/6frm

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib

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(843): my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib http://tfl.nu/rp9w

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(518): It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun. http://tfl.nu/n6c2

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(260): View more from Indiana

how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?

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(260): how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'? http://tfl.nu/cg25

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(631): Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments. http://tfl.nu/sneo

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends? http://tfl.nu/kqn5

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(775): He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend (1-775): I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman http://tfl.nu/d80q

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

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(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/o66a

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(925): View more from California

Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

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(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs. http://tfl.nu/ssx7

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.

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(630): The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time. http://tfl.nu/80xt

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(312): I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks. (224): Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however. http://tfl.nu/lo15

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(302): View more from Delaware

I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.

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(302): I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not. http://tfl.nu/ul0b

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(360): Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people. http://tfl.nu/w1ks

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(772): You're fine (585): I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine. http://tfl.nu/gnen

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(423): I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud. http://tfl.nu/10lu

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(580): Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying" http://tfl.nu/0sq3

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(661): What a dumb baby whore. http://tfl.nu/17ck

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(815): View more from Illinois

I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.

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(815): I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn. http://tfl.nu/iw95

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(845): View more from New York

This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.

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(845): This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way. http://tfl.nu/f18r

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(949): View more from California

And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex

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(949): And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex http://tfl.nu/q2uq

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(250): I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying http://tfl.nu/ewgt

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics? (978): Can't be the first without the last http://tfl.nu/ya96

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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(586): It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying. http://tfl.nu/5saj

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod

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(815): View more from Illinois

Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(815): Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa. http://tfl.nu/kz18

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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(505): Hows that studying goin for you? (1-505): I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil http://tfl.nu/rkj1

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(914): She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable? http://tfl.nu/73t2

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(773): while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future" http://tfl.nu/uwag

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(859): Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss. http://tfl.nu/wyge

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(714): View more from California

There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?

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(714): There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed? http://tfl.nu/o0fs

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(804): View more from Virginia

God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

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(804): God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things. http://tfl.nu/yy5y

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(360): View more from Washington

I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.

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(360): I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid. http://tfl.nu/iiw2

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(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

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(360): So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with (509): Isn't life beautiful? http://tfl.nu/f406

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way http://tfl.nu/0knp

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(207): View more from Maine

If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...

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(207): If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will... http://tfl.nu/8p69

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(518): #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE http://tfl.nu/txty

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(308): Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick. http://tfl.nu/8mtk

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(313): View more from Michigan

So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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(313): So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk. http://tfl.nu/79dj

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(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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(702): Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision http://tfl.nu/1pgb

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(757): you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof. http://tfl.nu/pdha

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(214): View more from Texas

Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.

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(214): Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming. http://tfl.nu/yp4i

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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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(432): I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good? http://tfl.nu/n0mc

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(720): View more from Colorado

maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.

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(720): maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on. http://tfl.nu/wqnd

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb

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(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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(248): For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought http://tfl.nu/myue

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(410): So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed. (443): YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT? http://tfl.nu/cgqa

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(587): Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap http://tfl.nu/qxhg

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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(575): I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together. http://tfl.nu/r2dz

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(614): We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid. http://tfl.nu/h4jz

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(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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(519): I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning. http://tfl.nu/ffy0

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(613): View more from Ontario

On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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(613): On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it? http://tfl.nu/27yi

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(914): Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."? http://tfl.nu/ptvq

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(709): By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco. http://tfl.nu/8qs4

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair. http://tfl.nu/a313

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.

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(604): Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features. http://tfl.nu/e715

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(917): Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us. http://tfl.nu/44xm

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(856): i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is. http://tfl.nu/k9ab

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(518): View more from New York

Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.

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(518): Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat. http://tfl.nu/lwgj

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(845): if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party http://tfl.nu/vtss

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(860): We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn. http://tfl.nu/ndq7

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

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(914): He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck. http://tfl.nu/kvtv

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(910): I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect. http://tfl.nu/cd2m

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(509): I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning. http://tfl.nu/olim

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(540): 'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?" http://tfl.nu/d6iq

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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(785): Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage. http://tfl.nu/6qi6

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(616): I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D http://tfl.nu/kf4w

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(727): It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together. http://tfl.nu/hikf

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(715): Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me. http://tfl.nu/2k2c

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(757): Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse. (1-757): I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic? http://tfl.nu/c2pk

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(774): Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18. http://tfl.nu/z1g3

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(805): I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up. http://tfl.nu/2z9h

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(209): Show him your tits if he says no (1-209): They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits. http://tfl.nu/0j62

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(304): Is there a law against that? (717): Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life. http://tfl.nu/tyhd

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(248): They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends. http://tfl.nu/ovl3

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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(412): My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out. http://tfl.nu/7oni

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji

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(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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(423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(217): She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop http://tfl.nu/g9k9

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(708): For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly? (773): To be honest, kinda. http://tfl.nu/5ciz

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(919): I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o9nw

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(603): Who is this? (1-603): You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo (603): Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this? http://tfl.nu/iabt

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(856): and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show http://tfl.nu/o1xq

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(860): Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b http://tfl.nu/niwv

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.

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(610): I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch. http://tfl.nu/u06n

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(502): They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut. (808): oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to http://tfl.nu/7uxf

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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(937): she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks. http://tfl.nu/kgtb

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1

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(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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(516): drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries http://tfl.nu/4gv5

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(417): How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave? http://tfl.nu/9xty

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4

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(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

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(212): You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark.. http://tfl.nu/eret

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(913): the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head. http://tfl.nu/5rt7

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(845): Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me http://tfl.nu/lgfh

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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(402): Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up http://tfl.nu/1eo4

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(949): In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor. http://tfl.nu/vpx7

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(506): I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to http://tfl.nu/sk6c

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(951): View more from California

Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.

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(951): Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other. http://tfl.nu/32su

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(304): Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us http://tfl.nu/9jfi

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

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(859): He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for." http://tfl.nu/4ze1

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3

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loeganmarie's Favorites Texts:

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Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard