theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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